“I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 1:4-6

I once had a dream, a short image that flashed across my mind. It was 2:30 am one summer day. I hadn’t gone to sleep for the night yet, but as I attempted to lay myself down for sleep, something came into my mind, a daydream of sorts. This is what I imagined:

I see God, sitting outside of a closed gate. I am on the inside. And like a child avoiding eye contact with their parent in the hopes that they may continue to play on the jungle-gym, I am running about within the gated area. I can obviously see that God wants me to come out, beckoning for me without saying a word, but I still wander around aimlessly while avoiding his gaze. But there is something peculiar about this scene. Unlike most parents who want their children to stop playing, God doesn’t look impatient. He sits there, legs crossed, with a calm countenance. It’s a look of absolute patience, a look that shows He isn’t surprised that I am avoiding him, nor is he angry. But what’s even stranger is this: if He wanted to, He could simply get up, open the gate, and forcibly remove me from the enclosure. But He doesn’t. Yet He isn’t waiting on the other side of the gate because He doesn’t have to power to open it. So why? The longer He sits and waits, the more intense my curiosity and attraction become, the more I want to walk out of the gate by my own free will. Playing in this jungle-gym is becoming less fun by the moment. I tell myself to go out and see what God has to say. I want to. And I do.

I’ve experienced many times like these and unless you are perfect, you too experience times where you stray away from God, avoiding his gaze, only to come running back into his arms. It’s a human thing. And God actually expects it of us. That is why we consider him the God of not just second chances but of many chances.

But there are also times when I get fired up for God and look at the moments, mentioned formerly, as great disappointments. I look at the moments where I fail and God hands me yet another chance and treat them as marks of the record of a recovering criminal. Like, why, if I claim to love God like I do, why do I keep leaving his side? Why am I not a better Christian by now, like so-and-so?

But I have forgotten. Sometimes I forget how far I have come. Sometimes I forget where I was only three years ago. Where I was a year ago. A month ago. Sometimes I forget that who I am now is very different from who I used to be. I forget that every day I continually go through a mental and emotional evolution that continues to produce an individual who is drastically different that the one from days and weeks prior. I forget these things. And in my moments of forgetfulness, my heart aches with anger and sadness at myself. I want to do right, but don’t. Paul said it most accurately: “For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do — this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19). I want to grow closer to God, but I keep ignoring him. Why? Why do I keep doing that?

You know something though, there’s something else I keep forgetting. I forget that I am still growing. I forget that I still have a long way to go on this journey. The person I am now..her heart aches when she is lackadaisical. But just a few years ago, this same person would have felt nothing. The fact that my soul is so disturbed now when I move away from God is a good sign. It is a sign of growth.

I have to remember that although saved, sin is still inside of me. As I have learned recently, as I live in this world, I continue to subsist with two natures inside of me. God’s nature (by the Holy Spirit) and my original sinful nature. And until the day of glorification, I am forced to deal with my evil nature. As Paul said, “I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members ” (Romans 7:21-23). It’s a constant battle that I must fight.

Another thing I must strive to remember is that God is here, right here, standing by me, holding my hand, and telling me that He loves this me. He isn’t going to abandon me just because I believe I am growing into the faith too slowly. I heard a radio DJ say once, “God loves you right here and now, not for some perfect person you are trying to become.” So even when I run away from Him, I can always fall back into His arms. He will always love me no matter what, even if I am lost, lazy, nonchalant, or just downright disobedient. His love never changes.

Despite what I have been believing, spiritual growth doesn’t happen in leaps and bounds; it is slow and gradual. It takes time. I’m not going to graduate from a spiritual infant to a woman of wisdom overnight. And I wouldn’t want to. Because if I did, I might just miss something.

K.J. 03/19/2016