I have this fear that I am stuck. And that I will continue to be stuck here in this place at this spot. I’ll be stuck here until I reach eternity or so it feels.

I enter the sanctuary with thankful thoughts and excited reverence, but it does not show. I enter the conversation with good intentions and evangelistic hopes, but the words do not follow.

From the outside it appears as if pure stubbornness has locked me in this place. But I don’t think so. I don’t think I am being stubborn. If anything, I am full of will. I want to make moves and take the right steps and do what I am told.

I think I’m broken. That’s what it is. What I want to do, I can’t. I will for myself to do it yet persist in not moving. I am broken. I’m like a human who has forgotten how to human. I say go yet I stay. There’s a blank look on my face that somehow reveals worry inside.

But I can hear my thoughts. They are racing. Mostly questions. That’s all I think. I think in questions. I am broken and confused. Or to be more accurate, I am broken because I am confused.

So where do the answers come from? I know. I do know. I’ve looked there from time to time but I don’t know. I read but I don’t understand. The words are in English but the information speaks in a different language. I want to know, but I am dumb. I do not understand the things I need to know.

I am dumb, confused and broken. The world is spinning and I am stuck. Until eternity. Or so it seems…

K.J. 01/28/2017