I like spontaneous decisions. I like that moment when I decided to join my friends going to a concert. I liked that moment I decided to take a trip to South Korea. I like decisions I make spontaneously. I like them because I leave little room to think. There is little space between the moment the idea is brought to the forefront of mind and the moment that the final decision is made. No room for thinking. Or better yet, no room for overthinking.

I never just think about something. I overthink. I stress over the pros and cons and delve into all the different possible outcomes. I sit and dwell in the decision, looking at it from all angles. Taking it into my hand, I look at the decision in every light.

Now this is not bad. This is not wrong. At times, it is smart to look at decisions this way. Some decisions affect the very essence of your life, so thinking them through makes perfect sense. But I am an overthinker.

My anxiety dwells in my constant overthought. I find myself anxious before a decision is made. Thus, I overthink it until I feel more comfortable with the possible outcomes (though this rarely happens). Then I feel anxious after a decision has been made, questioning the very facts I used to make the decision in the first place. So I am stuck in this vortex of anxiety that is sucking the very breathe out of my lungs.

That is why I love spontaneous decisions. No time to think. No time to overthink. No time to feel anxious.

But I am not usually a spontaneous person. I am a planner. I have always been a planner. Each hour of life is precious and my path must be perfect. I thought. Everything must be organized and arranged. All the ducks must fall in line. I am not a spontaneous person. I find comfort in making plans. But for the past few years, it would seem that my comfort zone is choking me. I have spent the last few years holding my breath, waiting and planning for the next big step in life.

My plans brought me comfort for the future. They wrapped their arms around me and promised me a safe trip. I liked my plans. But my plans were always focused on future Kyndra. They could only see the me of the future, so they did not understand the pain of present me. They weren’t there to provide comfort to current me. No. They only protected current me for the sake of future me, as the latter cannot exist without the former. And for the first time, I am experiencing the cold, objective distance my plans have for me. They don’t care how I feel now, only how I will feel then. I am killing myself now so that I will be alive then.

But will I? Will I be alive then? Or will I be some ghost version of myself, living off of the dead leftovers of who I once was?

The hours of my life a precious. I will never receive back the ones that have passed. If my eyes are constantly focused on protecting and uplifting my future, I might not ever get to enjoy my present. I thought that because I am young, I have to spend these precious years investing into my future. I wake up everyday thinking about tomorrow rather than today. I bend over backwards, cry rivers of tears, and stress my hair out over tomorrow, while leaving no thought for today. So I have woken up today to find a rotting Kyndra, a girl dying from the inside. My passions are gone and my view on life is bleak. I constantly feel like I’m floating in the ocean, subject the overbearing waves of life, waiting to meet my destination. It’s a boring life and a tragic one.

But I’ve been thinking recently. Not overthinking, just having a reoccurring thought. What if life isn’t as complicated as I am making it? What if God didn’t place me on earth to stress my way through life? What if I simply release the tight grip I have on my life and allow things to happen as they shall? What would happen?

Certainly, today would be easier. And I wouldn’t have to worry about tomorrow, because as far as I know, tomorrow will not come until today has finished. Those ducks are at least in a row. Tomorrow will be a consequence of my actions today. So why not focus on today?

K.J. 5/20/2017