I know this person who doesn’t have a relationship with Christ. Or to be more exact I know quite a few people who don’t know Christ. But they aren’t who I want to talk about. I want to talk about the first person. He doesn’t know Christ, or at least doesn’t have a relationship with Him. And because of this fact, this overwhelmingly oppressive fact, he is on my mind.

My church recently started a new campaign. I guess the purpose of it is to stir up the believers in the church to go out and evangelize. You know, do the thing we ALL have been called to do. Yeah, well, I was stirred. Actually, no. I have been swirling in this blender for some time now. This new campaign just upped the speed. So because of this, I have someone stuck on my mind. And I am literally pained every time I see him. Not because of his presence, but because of my disobedience to God. I’m supposed to tell him about Jesus and invite him to come to church, but I don’t or I can’t. My mind empties and my anxiety rises. The moment passes and the opportunity is missed.

You see, I’m not very good at this whole “evangelism” thing. I know, this is the part where all the blood-washed, spirit-filled believers jump in and started preaching to me about how its not about being “good” at it. But let me speak. Give me a second to speak my piece and let out what I feel.

I have been told a number of things as it relates to evangelism that have caused me constant internal turmoil. “It’s not about convincing them to come to Jesus.” “You don’t have to preach to them. Just give your testimony.” “All you have to do is plant the seed. God will send someone else to water it.” “Just ask them if they know Jesus.“

At one point all of these statements gave me comfort. They reached into my timid soul and gave me courage to do the thing I was called to do. Yes!…But that didn’t last long. It never lasts long. In fact, I have heard each of the above statements multiple times in my life and gone through the same pattern of reactions: (1) encouragement (2) doubt (3) fear. Again and again. And for a while, I thought this made me a broken Christian, like some element of my existence was left out when God was creating me. I’d sit in Sunday School listening to all those who have been in the faith longer than me express how they shared Jesus with someone down the street or at the supermarket. I’d sit there listening to these stories completely perplexed. How did they do that? Did they just walk up to them and blurt out “Do you know Jesus?” Did they start a conversation with them first? How does any conversation naturally flow into that question? For me, at least, that question is awkward, with no easy spot to slide it in. Does that mean I am lacking in faith or love for Jesus? I don’t think so (but I’m no expert). I’ve imagined this conversation many times before, but when I arrive at that question, both parties in the conversation seem to be left awkward.

Then I had a thought. What if I am not so much a broken Christian, as I am a broken different person. I realized that my discomfort with the way others seem to approach evangelism was not seated in a lack of love, faith, or passion for Jesus. It is an effect of my personality. Conversations in general are difficult for me, especially those holding such significant and heavy topics. I mean we are literally talking about a person’s salvation…like what’s going to happen to them after they die or when Jesus returns (whichever comes first). This is huge. This is not simple. Not for me, at least. I have trouble talking to people about my dating life, let alone, the Maker of the universe.

So rather than bogging myself down trying to figure out how they do it. I’m trying it my way. Evangelism isn’t only about having a come-to-Jesus talk that excites a tear-jerking revival in someone. It’s about spreading the gospel, literally telling someone what I know to be true and hoping they believe it to. And because talking isn’t my strength, I will use that gift God did give me. The gift of writing.

Two years ago, I broke out of my comfort zone and began sharing my spiritual and emotional journey through this blog. I let the world hear what I had previously only allowed to be said within the walls of my head. I told (and am telling) my story. I am trying my best to evangelize the way I know how. So while I will probably continue to be overwhelmed with guilt every time my pastor preaches on evangelism, I will at least for now take some comfort in the fact that I am trying and hope that God sees that.

So to that person I have on my mind, I hope you can hear me: You walk so far from Jesus and that constantly worries me. I want to help you, but when I open my mouth no words flow out and my mind falls blank. For now I can only hope you will hear my voice in the words on this page. You are hurting and I know One who can help…the only One who can help. His name is Jesus and he is waiting for you.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NIV