A couple weeks ago, I randomly purchased a new bible study book (Connect the Dots by Mike Hurt) from my church’s bookstore. Since then, I have been attempting to work my way through it every morning. I’ve been trying to take it slow, reading only a couple pages a day, soaking it all in. I have been convinced since day one that God has destined  for me to read this book. I mean, I’m only a few pages in and I already know that this book has answers to the questions that my questions were asking. And today, one of those questions was answered.

For the longest time, I could not figure out why this Christian walk was so difficult for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that the Christian walk is hard for everyone. I mean, it’s what shapes us into all that God has designed for us to be. But I truly believe that this walk is difficult for each person in a different way. What makes growing in Christianity hard for you may not necessarily be what makes it hard for me. So I have been turning my brain inside out trying to figure out what the big stumbling block on my path was. And today I think I found it.

I’m a product-driven person. I work for something not for the sake of working (as I mentioned in my previous blog post), but for the sake of having the finished product in my hand one day. Because of this, in any project or assignment, I am constantly sprinting towards that end goal that I want so badly. I’m not focused on the race, but the finish line. And this element of myself, this habit of my being, this essential piece of my personality is exactly the thing that is crippling me in my walk with God.

If you’ll notice, by this point I have now used the word “walk” four times to describe growing in the faith. Why is that? Because becoming who God calls us to be is not a full-on sprint to some spiritual finish line, it’s a slow walk on a long path with no end.

An assignment that has no end? A path that has no destination point? The mere thought of it dampens my motivation. But the fact remains: that is what a relationship is, particularly one with the Everlasting Father. It’s a path with no end, a slow walk with no final destination.

And because I am a product-driven being searching for that final goal, I have found myself kicking at a boulder-sized stumbling block that is in my way. Moreover, it’s a stumbling block that has been in my way for years without me even realizing. I haven’t been able to grow my relationship with God because every time I start on that path, I try to take off in a full sprint. This only trips me up and I get no where. So this morning I asked myself a simple question: What makes my relationship with my Heavenly Father so much harder to nurture than my relationships with my earthly parents?

Confession time. Everyday I wake up with full confidence that I love my parents and want nothing more than to be close with them. Yet I cannot honestly say I wake up with the same feelings for my God. Why is that? Because I know more about my parents. Over my 23 years of life, I have developed a love and understanding of them that goes beyond my desire for them to care for my basic needs. I don’t love my parents simply because they provide for me. I love them for who they are what they mean to me. But I cannot say the same for my love for God.

And this is probably the biggest realization I came to this morning. I still love God, or to be more accurate I still trust and believe in God, but my understanding and knowledge of Him is still far too limited. I love God because of the ways in which he takes cares of me (i.e. protecting me, feeding me, allowing me to breathe). I am hanging on God’s shirttail in the same way that a child clings to the arm of the mother that meets their needs. They love because their needs are met. I too am afraid to let go of God. But this is not because I love Him for who He is, but because I am afraid to lose the blessings He has so graciously provided to me.

Now, this is not necessarily a bad love for God. Most Christian relationships with God start out this way. Recognizing that all you have is a result of God’s grace and allowing yourself to cling to God like a child to its mother is the first step to humbling yourself into an intimate relationship with God. But that’s the thing, it’s only the first step. At some point we are all meant to move past that. Our relationships with God are meant to involve more that just our desire to live and our acknowledgement that we do not hold that power ourselves. The focus is supposed to become our desire to live for Him, obeying His commands and pleasing Him.

And because I am still exhibiting a childlike love rather than a mature love that arises out of more than my selfish needs, I have found myself still standing the starting gate of my walk with Christ. I have been accepted into the family of God, adopted as His child, and allowed to walk through the narrow gate of salvation, but I haven’t moved since. And after all these years it’s scary to think that I am still here.

I won’t kid you or myself by saying this revelation has completely changed me. My product-driven motivation is so deeply ingrained in my personality. It is a part of who I am and likely who I will continue to be. The task now is to simply learn how to work around it. I guess I have to learn how to slow down and smell the roses just long enough to return my Father’s loving gaze.

K.J. 10/24/2017