(I needed somewhere to quickly write my feelings down because they are currently building up inside of me. And I fear that they may explode at a very inopportune time, so here it is.) I am unhappy, in the broadest sense of the word. This is not a new feeling. It’s more like a recurring emotion, and every time it reappears, it overwhelms my entire system.

Honestly, when I first began to notice these feelings, I was worried. I was afraid that I was developing some sort of depression and with all the talk of suicide in the news, I was being very cautious and attentive to my thoughts and actions. One thing I am pretty sure of at this moment, though, is that even if I am unhappy to the extent of depression, I am NOT suicidal. I believe in God. I have hope in His plans. And most importantly, I fear Him and do not wish to displease Him by taking my life into my own hands. For those reasons and others (i.e. fear of dying, fear of upsetting my loved ones, etc.), I never think suicide is the solution.

Now that that caveat is out of the way, I can speak freely about my feelings without unnecessary suspicion. I am unhappy. I won’t call it depression because I understand that depression is a real medical condition that should be diagnosed by a professional. I would not want to attribute something to myself that I may not have, thus insulting all that do have it. So I will just stop at unhappiness. I wouldn’t even call it sadness. A better explanation may be discontentment. I am discontented to the extent that it affects my emotional state from time to time. It sort of feels like being in a tunnel, a very dark one. In the past, I described my feelings about my life as being in a very long, dark tunnel. But at that time, there was always a light at the end of it. So even if the tunnel seemed never-ending, I was constantly urged forward with the hope that one day I would reach that light.

But now things are different. I’m still in the tunnel. It’s still dark, and it’s still long as far as I can tell. But now I don’t see the light at the end of it. I’ve been trekking along step after step, stumbling every once in a while, but continuing forward. Somewhere along the way the light faded into nothing and I found myself running through a dark tunnel with no light at the end.

Now, so I don’t remain too metaphoric and completely lose the reality of what I am talking about, I’ll explain it in the realest terms I can. I feel discontented with my current phase of life. I know it is just a phase because I have not always felt this way and I have hope that this will not continue forever. Nevertheless, I am discontented. This time of my life isn’t how I imagined it, but honestly who ever gets to see their life pan out like they imagined? The fact that my life has taken turns I neither expected nor wanted is not the reason I am discontented, or at least not the main reason. I mean, change happens. That’s life. Stuff happens to you and you learn to deal with it and to work around it. That’s fine. My problem lies in my utter distaste for my current position. I was fine with the change-of-plans-new-path situation I found myself stumbling toward. But now that I am here, I cant help but feel overwhelming discontentment.

I have a job that pays me money to do things that, in most cases, I know how to do. I have a place to live in close proximity to the family I like to see often (aka my parents’ house). I have really great friends that I get to do crazy fun things with like taking trips to Seoul. I’m blessed with enough resources to take care of myself and then some, and I have the desire to learn and grow in many, new ways. But somehow it’s not enough.

And this is the part where I and the majority of the church (and probably the world) criticize me for being ungrateful. How can you say it’s not enough when God is meeting all of your needs and even gives extra blessings on top to do the things that you want? Yeah, I know, I’m crazy and an ungrateful little sinner. But that’s just the thing, I am not ungrateful. I mean, I constantly think about what God does for me and I thank Him for it and I assault my mind trying to figure out how to better serve Him for it and I incessantly remind myself of my own unworthiness.

Honestly though, this is something that I have been wrestling with for a while. This strange concept that I, as a child of God, adopted into His great family and selected by Christ Jesus himself, am allowed to ask God for more. I am allowed to ask God for the things I want and the things I think I need. This is not sin. It is sin to pretend and lie to yourself and God about how you are feeling and what you want. I mean, God already knows it, so why can I not speak freely and tell God that I want more. Or to be more accurate that I want something else.

I am His child. Sometimes Most of the time, I am selfish and take advantage of His love for me, but that doesn’t make me any less His child. Moreover, just as I have the privilege to go to God to ask for the things that I want, God has the right and authority to deny every one of my requests. I accept that. But I would rather ask the world from God and be denied than to ask for nothing and receive nothing. It doesn’t hurt to ask. His love for me doesn’t change. Period.

That being said, I have been granted to privilege by my Father in Heaven to be unhappy and to request the things I believe will fix that. Undoubtedly, God has some plan or lesson waiting for me behind my request, but I’ll take it on. My unhappiness, my discontentment, can only be cured by a response from God, whether it be a grant or a reprimand. He’s the only one who can relight the light at the end of my tunnel. This, I believe. So here and now, I will stand before my Father and make my requests. I refuse to stay in this dark tunnel forever.

1 John 5:14-15 NIV ~ This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

Have confidence in this fact: If what you request from God aligns with His will, He will give it to you. This is the confidence by which I approach my Father.