"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."
Philippians 2:3-4 NIV

I read Philippians 2:3-4 today and for the first time, didn’t breeze over it. Almost every time I had read that verse, I would think to myself, “I’m good with this. I’m a pretty humble person. I value others over myself…even to a fault sometimes. Now on to the next verse.” Even as I typed those thoughts now, I can see how lacking they are in actual humility. The very fact that I was able to breeze over any part of that verse in the first place proves that my humility isn’t where it’s supposed to be.

So something about this verse caught my eye today. It wasn’t the first part about selfish ambition, vain conceit and putting others above yourself. No, those are the things that typically held my focus when I would read this verse. It was that last bit, you know, the part about interests. That’s the part that socked me in the chest this morning.

“Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

For a long time I thought of myself as helplessly humble. I believed it to be a product of my personality. I believed my view of my self-worth, which wasn’t very high at all, automatically made me humble. That, because I see others as greater or better or generally more competent human beings, I must be a pretty humble person, albeit unconsciously. But the only reason I could believe that is because I had only checked the boxes of the beginning of this verse. No selfish ambition. Check. No vain conceit. Check. No valuing yourself over others. Check. But I would stop there. Every. Single. Time. Every time I would slide over the rest as if it had no meaning and swiftly move on to the next instruction. But today I learned that verse 4 is not just a reiteration of verse 3. Verse 4 is more check boxes that up until today I had arrogantly left blank.

“Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

As I sat reflecting on this verse this morning, it hit me. I was in fact doing the very opposite of this verse, all the while, considering myself humble. And that’s what stumped me. How is it possible for me to check off the things at the beginning of this verse but not the end? How can I value others above myself, but still have my own interests in mind? That’s just it though. I do think of others over myself, but am so twisted in doing so that I have become conceitedly ambitious with my own interests.

I say to myself, “these people are valuable here on earth and as part of God’s grand plan for humanity. They are far more instrumental in creating positive change and serving the Lord. They matter far more than me. While they go out and be amazing children of God, I must focus on me and getting myself right. I need to become better so that I may join their ranks. I don’t have time to worry about their stuff, when I have so much stuff of my own that needs dealing with. I simply don’t have the time nor the energy to both work on me and deal with you. I need to figure out how to be a better servant and of more value. I…”

Just like that I turn the value I see in others into my idol and selfishly worship and focus my attention on it. In all my high-valuing of others, I have fallen into a hole of selfish ambition and vain conceit, concerned only with the interests of myself.

So what does it look like to both value others over myself and put their interests before my own? I think it starts with recognizing where I stand in God’s eyes. Although the Holy Spirit is working on me daily, it is not my job, or even within my power, to make myself more worthy of being a servant of God. So that shouldn’t be my focus. That’s not what God asked me to do. He didn’t instruct me to work on becoming a servant, but to simply be a servant. He told me to look after the interests of others. He called me to take my incomplete, imperfect, sinful self out into the world and look after the interest of His children. In this verse there is no caveat, no fine print, no stipulation that calls for me to get myself right first. It simply says do this and not that. Not when. Not after. Just do it. As in… now.

Hopefully as I continue to read this verse, I will not simply breeze over the bit about interests as I have in the past. Hopefully I sit in it and let it both convict and motivate my soul as I reflect on it. And maybe one day my humility really will be in the right place, without selfish ambition, vain conceit, or self-focus, truly looking after the interests of the others.

K.J. 1/18/2022