I miss the quiet.

I can’t say my mind has ever really been quiet. No, it really shouts to me.

So maybe instead of missing the quiet, I miss when the shouts of my mind were my only distractions.

I miss having time.

I miss those times I would have every summer growing up. It would usually happen a month or so into summer vacation. I would wake up not knowing what the day would bring. And I would fall into a sobering moment of boredom. I miss having so much time that I could do anything I wanted. All the opportunities laid before me.

Now, it seems. I do not have that luxury. Now, I must do.. I must go and make and start and finish and do. I do not get to just be. There are too many things that an adult, a Christian, a young person, a black girl must do. I simply haven’t got the time to just be anymore.

And so I have many moments like today. I have something I must go and do. A good something. A good-for-your-growth, worth-your-time, plans-already-made something. And at the moment, I desire to do nothing more than stay seated right here with just the sounds of the rustling trees and the thoughts in my mind.

I suppose God is here with me too. I know He will be there, nodding His approvals at His children, growing and working in His name. And somewhere in the depths of my spiritual mind I know that He is obviously here too. And whether I choose to go there or remain here, He will be with me.

So I guess I fear missing out on those approving nods. Such a great reward is being dished out, and I simply must be there to get my share, right? But now even more than that, I fear that the nods I am seeking may not be from God at all.

I guess that’s what it comes down to. Finding the path that has the only nod I ever need and confidently strolling down it. Perhaps that path will be the quietest one, where soft boredom can lead to the greatest things.

Today, I choose quiet over opportunity, obligation, and approvals. I’ll let God worry about the rest.

God,

Please find me here, not just physically but spiritually. Show me what my path looks like so I do not confusingly wander down someone else’s. Help me live in a way that is clearly pleasing to You. Help me set my focus and find the quiet, spacious place you have prepared just for me. And please let my day to day decisions not deter me from the path you have called me. Thank you for letting me be a part of this.

Amen.