They say that needing to feel that you belong is a natural human reaction. We seek out friendships and relationships with great fervor because we don’t want fear that dreadful feeling of being lonely. But what happens when we take that fear so seriously that it cripples us?

When I was younger, I unfortunately lived in a sad delusion. I went through the ups and downs of friendship, taking a ride on that emotional roller coaster far too many times, and was all too familiar with the saying “a friend for a season.” Despite that, I had a good group of friends for most of my childhood. Yet even as I was surrounded by these friends, I suffered from an intense self-doubt. For a long time, I couldn’t understand why anyone would  want to be friends with me. I didn’t know what I had to offer. I couldn’t see it. I thought I wasn’t worthy of their friendships and that the only reason any of them ever spent time with me was because they felt pity for the shy girl. Pity. They didn’t like me. They pitied me. That’s what I thought.

So I overcompensated. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I wanted to be liked so bad that I strove to be like them every day. I laughed at the things they laughed at, even if I didn’t think it was funny. I acted like them, even when I didn’t agree. I talked like them, even when I didn’t understand. I made myself look like them, even when I didn’t like it. And I did all of this without even realizing it.

And you know what? It was tiring and unfulfilling and most of all, it did not prove to them (or to myself) that I was worthy. But I held on tight to those friendships because I firmly believed that was all I had and because the fear of loneliness was ever-ready to overtake me.

Then I went to college. And things began to change. I started to change. And for a moment, I thought I had gotten off that emotional roller coaster of trying to hold onto friendships that just weren’t meant to be. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I simply found myself with a new set of people I felt I needed to prove my worth to. I had gotten off one roller coaster just to get on another (and boy do I hate roller coasters). But with this one, the struggle to keep from breaking to pieces was much more difficult. This time there was something pushing against me, something inside of me moving me in one direction as the roller coaster pulled me in another. I wanted to prove my worth, but there was some small part of me that was just too tired to care. And for months I sauntered around in confusion, not knowing how to behave. Nothing was working and I felt alone. Just like that I came full circle. In my pursuit of never being lonely, I found myself sitting alone in my self-constructed dungeon.

So I prayed. I prayed a lot about it. I prayed for understanding and clarity. Just when I thought no answer was going to come my way, a great wind blew and the clouds parted and I finally began to see the sun.  The rays of light imparted me with understanding. God spoke and I heard Him, loud and clear.

All that time, I had been praying for friendships and trying to prove to imperfect people that I am perfect and worthy of their friendships, their affection, their attention, and their time, only to be left alone in my dungeon at the end of it all. And it was a vicious cycle. When one didn’t work out, I put my all into the next one, and the next one… It was an emotional roller coaster. And I didn’t even need to be on it.

I didn’t need to prove to people I was worthy. I didn’t need to make those relationships work. I didn’t need to find my worth in other people. I didn’t need to collect friendships like a rainy day fund. I didn’t need to be afraid of being alone.

I needed to look up. I needed to open my eyes. I needed to see that I had a friend waiting for me all along. I have a friend that I never need to prove my worth to. A true friend. Someone who holds me dear. Someone who has consistently showered me with blessings and love and affection and attention and time and effort because he knows my true worth. And even when my eyes are focused elsewhere, he still waits for me, he still loves me. I don’t have to prove anything to Him and I don’t have to be anything but me. He loves me unconditionally, as I am. He will always be my Friend, my Father, and my Lord. It took me a while to truly get this, but I’m so glad that I did. The joy that comes with knowing these things is immeasurable. Now I don’t care if I lose everything else, I will do what it takes to keep this relationship. I want it. I need it. And I pray nothing ever makes me forget that I have it, that I have Him and He has me.

So if you’re struggling with self-worth and are desperately looking at others to find that worth, I beg you to stop. Freeze where you are. Lift your eyes to the One who “goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). He truly is the greatest friend. Stop putting others before Him. The saying goes: God first; others second; I’m third. So look to God first.

K.J. 01/2014