Today, I thought I would discuss something that has been heavy on my mind for some time now. I was flipping through some old journals and found that I had written about this numerous times, both knowingly and unknowingly (and mentioned a similar topic in a previous blog post). So finally I sat down, became still, and was finally able to collect my thoughts on the matter. Now you’ll have to bear with me because this is kind of a complex thing.

I’ll begin with a quote from a sermon I heard many years ago in reference to 1 Samuel 9 & 10:

“God will give you sufficient encouragement to help you follow his will.” .

Recently, I learned that I have a problem with encouragement. Not giving encouragement, but receiving it. In fact, I would go as far as to say I have a sickness in my mind when it comes to dealing with encouragement. This illness arises out of my incapability to distinguish clearly between encouragement and opposition (weird, right?). This disease haunts me in everything that I do and is slowly pulling me under like sinking sand. I say this because, as of right now, I have two dreams for my life. And with both dreams, I have let what is obviously encouragement get twisted in my mind producing an overwhelming belief that I am now facing opposition.

You’re probably wondering how in the world I take encouragement as opposition. If you’ll come take a walk with me along the streams of my self-talk, I’ll explain just the way that my mind thinks. I’ll use my first dream as an example.

For many years, I have dreamed of becoming a small business owner, particularly of a small bake shop. Every time I think about it, I get a ting of excitement inside. Over the years, I have told many people about this dream, to some more details than others. On one occasion, I shared this dream with an older woman who responded in the same way that everyone, from my parents to complete strangers, had. A big smile spread across her face and she immediately showed her excitement for me in not just the way she looked at me, but also in the encouraging statements that followed. I felt nothing but uplifted after finishing that conversation.

But later that day, as I sat dwelling in my thoughts as I am now, my old friend came stumbling in. His name is Fear, and not just any kind of fear, Fear of Disappointment. Although he and I have been close for many years, I seem to never expect his arrival. But here he was again, ready to impart his insights. He whispered to me some interesting ideas that seemed (to me at least) to be wrapped up in layers of reason, reason I felt I could not deny. This is what he explained to me: “Now that you have told her what you want to do, yeah, she’s excited for you, but you know what else? She’s also beginning to form big expectations in her mind. She’s expecting you to follow through. There’s no turning back now. There’s no changing your mind. She is waiting for the results. You have to do what you said AND succeed, otherwise you won’t meet her expectations and she will be disappointed with you. And you know how terrible that feels.“

And with these words I fall into a pit of despair and anxiety. By telling this woman about my dreams, I have offered her a seat in the audience of people anxiously waiting for me to do what I said. Immediately, I feel like I’ve backed myself into a corner with all my encouragers in front of me holding their weapons of expectation. And without even coming near me, they begin to drown me in my own pool of fear.

Just like that, my mind makes me a slave to the task of pleasing others and takes what seems to be great encouragement and turns it into intense opposition. I am reminded of what Paul said, “A great door for effective work has opened to me and there are many who oppose me” (1 Corinthians 16:9). Only for me..

I am my greatest opposition.

Of course, I cannot stop here, only identifying a problem without giving any hope for a solution. That would be quite discouraging. So in determining my problem, I began to frantically search for a solution. The core of my opposition seems to be my suffocating fear of disappointment.

But I soon realized something. While God does call us to put others before ourselves, to take their needs ahead of our own, to think about them before ourselves, He also calls us to put no one before Him. And do you even know what that means? That means that while you are working tirelessly for others you may be living in disobedience if you don’t put God first. God tells us, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving” (Colossians 3:23-24). Yes, we are called to be servants. Yes, we should work hard for others. But we do not do this out of servanthood to people but rather out of servanthood to our one true Master. We work in love for others because we love Him.

So in all of this “doing for others” before we do for ourselves, we cannot forget that God comes first in everything. It’s not about pleasing other people; it’s about pleasing God our Father. So if you are like me and get overwhelmed and stressed about pleasing your parents, your boss, your significant other, or your friends, remember one thing: It’s about them, but it’s not all about them. It’s all about Him!

K.J. 03/17/2016