I have a confession to make. And yeah I know what you’re thinking: Kyndra, aren’t all you blogs a confession of some sort. Yes, dear reader, they are, but this one is an bigger confession, one that affects most of the ones before it. But don’t freak out. All the previous confessions and revelations are still deeply relevant and true. Yet, I must make a confession.

Since March 2016, I have been blogging in a box, releasing my thoughts in little spurts rather than streams. 

Now what does that mean? I’m glad you asked. When I first began blogging, I had one goal and one goal alone, to let the overwhelmingly loud thoughts in my head out onto a page. My only purpose was to release the internal pressure. For this reason, the first few months that I had my blog, I told no one about it. It wasn’t for others. It was for me.

Then, I realized that someone might benefit from some of the things I learned on my Christian journey. And I was reminded time and time again at church and in personal study that I must share Jesus with others. So I opened up my thoughts to the willing ears of others. This I could do… for a while at least.

Then something happened. I stopped ferociously writing my thoughts for a moment and looked up from my page. Before me sat an audience full of judging eyes and opinionated minds. And as often happens with me, my need-to-please leapt forward. I stopped freely dancing and got in line for the square dance. I began writing in a box. I started protecting reality from the secrets the words on the screen would reveal. As I typed, a demon sat on my shoulder, spitting doubt onto my page…

I can’t say that because so-and-so might not like it.

I can’t mention that because I don’t want so-and-so to know.

I can’t bring up that because I still have to be around that person next week.

Suddenly, I couldn’t write what I wanted for the fear that someone would get upset or I would find myself in an awkward situation with a friend, family member or coworker. The fact is that everything I have learned and every thought recorded here has bloomed from my experiences, where I have been, who I have interacted with, and conversations I have had.

And just like that, the avenue I had been using to set myself free, became a box I found myself stuck in. It wasn’t enjoyable anymore. It was a chore I was forcing myself to do. And like any good chore, I began to put it off. A couple weeks turned into a month, and a month turned into five. Before I knew it, my blog had grown stale, not having been updated since August of last year.

But I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to be in this box, restricting myself, my thoughts, from what they truly want to say. So instead painting a beautifully orchestrated picture, I intend to start taking snapshots. What you see is what you get, sort of thing. No restraints. No doubts. Just me. Of course, I will omit names and incriminating specifics and try not to offend as best as I can. But this blog is mine, not yours, not his, not hers. Mine. And I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m taking it back.

K.J. 01/23/2017