I’ve been dealing with a lot of little things. Specifically, not-so-great little things. You know, the kind of things that on their own they don’t seem that bad. Things you could probably shrug off or maybe even ignore. Some of them are things everyone deals with; others are things my unique personality has cursed me with. Either way, they’re little things I’m dealing with. And there’s a bunch of them.

You know that analogy about the straw that broke the camel’s back…yeah I kind of live my life as that camel, carrying all these little things until one day it falls apart. Or to be more specific, I fall apart. It’s happened before, a few years back. That last straw ever-so-delicately placed. And there I was in a full on sob in front of my very confused boss. It wasn’t that what he was asking was too difficult for me or something nearly worth crying over. It was just the last little thing on top of a ton of other little things that had accumulated on my shoulders. And I fell apart.

Now, let’s not be too dramatic. Yes, I fell apart. Yes, I cried blubbery tears at work. Yes, I felt like a glass jar that someone had just took a hammer to. But, that wasn’t the end of the story. After a little cry and a little moment of introspection, I brushed myself off, got back up and started again on my way. Hurray, right? Kind of. Standing back up and setting myself right again simply meant I reset the scale to begin collecting all my little things again. Which is what brought me here, my 27th birthday after a blurry and inescapably long week. 

Just yesterday, on my birthday eve, I laid on my bed, staring at my ceiling, letting the tears roll. The camel’s back broke again. A bunch of little things like little toxins in a witch’s cauldron came bubbling up and over. Just that morning in prayer I had remarked that there were quite a few little things floating around. I made a resounding request to God just for my birthday, to not have to deal with any of them. And hours later I laid in the aftermath of their spillage.

It may come as a surprise to you, but I do feel better. There’s nothing quite like a good cry to let it all out, to pull all those little things out of me and toss them on table. To be honest and tell God these are the things that have been wearing me down. To tell Him that while they may be part of His plan, I’m not okay and need His help.  It’s freeing. It’s calm and quiet, like floating in the middle of the ocean, staring up a clear sky and allowing the waves to just take me where they may. That’s what it feels like. And in that moment, I can’t even think of what my little things are, let alone where they are. It’s hard for straws to be on my back when I’m laying in the ocean. Perhaps they are sinking in the depths below me, being swallowed up by the mass of God’s grace. Who knows?

But today is a new day, a new chance to begin picking up little things again. And while I still haven’t figured out how to keep those little things away (or if it’s even possible to do in this life), I’m deciding that at least for today, for my birthday, I’m choosing joy and peace. I’m telling all those little things and the anxieties they bring to sit down and shut up. That is the gift I am giving myself this year. Because it’s my freaking birthday. While there may be a ton a tiny things I’m dealing with, there a bunch of big things I’m blessed with. And at least for today I’m going to focus on being grateful for those big things. God let me meet my 27th year with good family, good health, and good life. and that’s pretty awesome!

Many little things… but one big God!

K.J. 2/19/2021

I usually like to end my posts with a positive thing I’ve learned or something you could apply to your life if you’re dealing with a similar struggle. I think this post may be missing that type of conclusion. Mostly because it was a stream of thought I had at the wake of my birthday. I just needed a place to express myself for a moment, like a diary. (Which would also be the reason there may be more typos than usual). If I ever figure out how to better deal with my little things, I’ll be sure to let you know. Let’s grow together. 🙂